Everything is Wrong & I Hate it Here

I am figuratively bursting at the seams with stress right now. I know it's just my brain fucking with me - it is so good I am seeing a psych again starting tuesday - but it feels like EVERYTHING is going wrong and it's NEVER going to feel right again. Familiar much? I'm starting to fall apart again but I am stronger now and I will not let it happen.

Yesterday there was a great big spider on my ceiling and I tried to kill it, but it fell into my bed and disappeared. I started to panic. Ended up sitting in the middle of my apartment, on the floor, sort of curled up sobbing to myself. Kurt came and gave me a hug and we talked, and he helped look for the spider which was long gone.

Anyway, today I slept 8 hours - it felt so good. I thought that maybe it'd be a good day.

But as soon as I woke up, I broke my glasses. Luckily I have contacts, but who knows when I'll have glasses again? I can't afford that shit right now. Bleh.

I got a latte, the bus was on time, work went smoothly. But when I got out of work it was pouring down rain. WTF? I didn't have a jacket (just a hoodie) or an umbrella. It had been sunny and nice when I left.

When I got home I played LotRO for a while, but it was frustrating because the group I was playing with was inexperienced and sort of didn't know what they were doing. *sigh*

I spilled an entire glass of water all over Kurt's office, made a ton of noise (luckily didn't wake up the beebe) and almost started crying.

I'm losing my damn mind.

Fuck my coworkers. It's like nobody cares to actually come to work sometimes! It's stressful and frustrating never knowing who is or isn't going to be at work.

Add to that I (and my coworkers to be fair) keep getting chewed out for a million conflicting bullshit reasons.

I'm going crazy right now. I've not been sleeping well, work has been abnormally stressful for really stupid reasons, and I have been having a little bit of financial stress, too.

And it's been rough adjusting after Burning Man, that's for sure. Burning Man was fucking awesome, by the way.

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Arrerrrrrrrrggghhhhh

I've never had so much fail at wireless networking... I just want to play video games but Kurt is troubleshooting it and I can't use the Internet...

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I'm officially hella tired of not having Internet at home. We need to get that wireless network set up!

As it is I've only had access on my iPhone (and at work) for the last 2 weeks... The wireless network I was stealing access from went away.

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My OS X reinstall plan failed at the point where I install OS X. So I've got a computer with a clean hard drive and no operating system and it will not allow me to install one.

Mother fucking Christ I do not need this bullshit right now. Going to the Apple store after work. God fucking dammit!

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My brain is latching onto things, memories, and building them up into bigger problems and making me feel guilty and stressed. This happens at night. I wish I could turn my brain off, damn it. Laying in bed with nothing to distract me always leads to shit like this...

Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight...

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I've been having trouble sleeping again... Even when I'm really tired.

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JUST LET ME SLEEP OMG

Roommate has someone coming to look at the room at 11:00...

Woke me up out of a dead sleep.

FUCK GO AWAY

Save! Your! Files!

I don't want to hear "but I've been working on this for six hours, how could it have possibly crashed!? I NEED TO SAVE MY STUFF!" again. If you work on something for six hours without saving it, it's like playing Russian roulette, especially with the computers we've got in here.

Eventually your luck is gonna run out.

Just a friendly announcement.

Guess where I still am?

Waiting for these dumb fuckers to get out of here.

I'm about to be very, very unhappy when my bus leaves without me.

But I warned and warned and warned them. I said that it's time to leave, that it's time to leave, that it's time to leave.

But what am I supposed to do if they say "no?"

I swear to god if they do not get out of here RIGHTNOW I'm going to call the security desk and have THEM come up here and tell these stupid motherfuckers to get out.

FUCK

YOU

OMFG.

Come on, kids, it's the end of the quarter and most of you still haven't put your shit on a thumb drive?! Are you fucking serious? I do NOT want to have to mediate any more last-minute battles over the computers because all of you have your shit saved on #7 or whatever.

Seriously I've had to quell two almost-shouting arguments over a couple of the computers in here today. Arguments that arise because BOTH PEOPLE in here do not have their work saved on a thumb drive LIKE THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO (instead of saving it ON THAT COMPUTER) and have the immediate need to use that computer OMG RIGHT NOW.

This is in addtion to more than 10 small bickering quarrels and a bunch of people mouthing off to me because they can't get the computer they want, as if it's my fault.

Die.

Update:

We have a VERY irate student in one of the other labs. I'm glad he's not in my lab.

I'm really getting sick of things like, BREAKING.

I would like to be playing LotRO with my friends but I can't.

I'm flipping out about moving and how to tell my roommates. Yes, I know "it doesn't matter, just say you're moving out."

Do you honestly, seriously think that saying that to me over and over is going to somehow make me less anxious?

Kurt gave me a bunch of movies to entertain myself at home or at work since I can't play LotRO.

I was very excited, because it seemed as though my week was perking up.

Yeah, the stuff with the car and Carmen's laptop sucked but hey, movies!

No.

No movies. My DVD drive just broke. First DVD I put in, I heard HORRIBLE crunching grinding noises.

So now I get to take this laptop in. Now I will have NO computer at home.

At all. No music, no internet, no chat, nothing.

I lose. I fail.

Seriously, I can't do anything without it failing catastrophically.

At life. And everything. Fuck it all. I'm done.

Maybe I shouldn't have come here.

I was about to fly off the fucking handle the other night.

I went to get my car back, bt I hadn't gotten the insurance claim in yet so I had to pay the $500 out of pocket.

Then, I went to take my car back to work and it took a full 45 minutes to get 7 blocks... and then I spent 45 more minutes trying to park somewhere. I finally gave up and parked in the pay lot and decided to move my car later.

Of course, I didn't have ANYTHING TO DO all night because the laptop upon which I play games isnt working (as I said before) so I spent a long, boring, mind-numbing four hours without much to do, without anyone to talk to. A couple students came in and one of them needed help with... SOMETHING.

But he wouldn't speak up and mumbled even when I said I couldn't understand - I know the kid speaks english just fine, he was talking up a storm with his friend. I finally gave up and said I couldn't help out. If he doesn't even know what he's asking me to do, and won't talk to me, I can't help.

So that left me fucking frustrated.

I went to get my car from the garage, drove around for 20 minutes tryig tp park, got my car stuck up against the curb and gouged the fuck out of my back hubcap. Finally I found somewhere to park and went back upstairs for more fucking boredom for the next two hours.

I swear I thought that if anything else happened, I'd end up fucking crazy.

I remembered on the way home that I had to get up on Thursday (yesterday, I guess) at 8:45am, which made it worse.

Couldn't sleep, worked on an hour and a half of sleep all day.

Miraculously I was able to stay awake through a visit to Kurt's place which was a welcome island of fun in a stormy sea of suck.

...and then I got home, and realized that my air mattress has a huge leak.

Today I have to take care of that traffic infraction. That's another $200 out of pocket.

MOTHERFUCKER I SWEAR TO GOD IF ANYTHING ELSE GOES WRONG I'M GOING TO FUCKING LOSE IT.

I'm finally losing it from the stress of the last few days.

Last straw was when I turned on the computer Carmen lent me and the display wouldn't come on. And then the machine wouldn't turn off. And now it's finally off and the problem with the display is back. I've got a broken computer that isn't mine, my car is in teh shop again and I can't stop crying. I feel utterly alone.

I'm tired, and I'm alone, and everything is broken.

Sometimes, everything is wrong... and I hate it here.

I'll be okay, but the stress is taking over right now. I just need to cry about it for a while.

Welcome to the Kristin Show!

Where exciting events never end and there's always something to see...

Bleh.

Monday was a really, really great day. The weather was nice, I went out and drove around with the windows down and the music turned up, did some shopping, came home, took a nap... Then had an amazing time at Death Guild! Dancing, talking, meeting people and seeing people I knew. A ton of fun, it was exactly what I needed.

And, as I planned to go home, order some pizza, play LotRO and crash out, I got to my car and saw that the window had been smashed in. God damn it! Some friends (and strangers!) helped me take care of the situation, I spent the next hour talking to the police, going home, finding somewhere to park my damn car, realizing I'd have to leave it on the street overnight with no window... Tons of fun.

Today I took teh car into the shop, found out the window replacement is going to be $500 (because the raise/lower mechanism is broken). Walked from the shop to work in the heat (ugh) but generally have been in good spirits. It's just a window, it's just money, nothing was stolen and I have insurance.

And I have great friends. And a job. And I'm in San Francisco.

And that's what counts.

When you wake up after 2.5 hours of sleep and hear the loud, horrible humming of that air conditioning/HVAC machinery resonating through the wall, and feel like someone stabbed you in the throat, it becomes physically impossible to have a good day.

Thursday is my own personal hell.

Played Dungeons and Dragons with Carmen, Kurt, Erick, Pam and Scott for hours this afternoon.

Now, drinking licorice tea and going to bed in a little bit.

I hate that I always have so much to do on the weekend, just because I don't have the right schedule to do it during the week without sacrificing sorely-needed sleep.

I have to get going tomorrow. Have much that I need to do and no energy to do it.

All day I've had this nearly debilitating PAIN in my abdomen - stomach cramps, general... just... pain. Ugh. I thought maybe eating would help, but the sandwich I ate didn't help - it made my stomach feel like it was made out of lead and full of mercury. Strangely, though, it didn't make me nauseous - just even more uncomfortable and painful.

Additionally, my body (especially my ribcage) has ACHED all day. It feels like I was in a mosh pit or something (do kids still do that?) - by the time work was almost over I was starting to fall asleep even though I slept 9 hours last night, and my body felt like it was mildly VIBRATING or something, and I'd gotten overly sensitized to stuff.

I came home and took a REALLY REALLY hot bath which seemed to loosen up those muscles (I still can't move without having all sorts of joints crack) but the stomach pain, while not debilitating anymore, is still VERY "there."

My theory is that I'm achey for whatever reason (slept funny, too much walking around, too much driving, I dunno) and additionally I'm having some sort of gastrointestinal issues.

I don't really feel like this is a life-threatening situation but it really isn't fun, that's for sure. :(

(the headline is a depeche mode reference)

I actually got a pretty smart idea, and e-mailed Peter, who gets in to work WAY earlier than I do.

I figured maybe he can ask the person who works the AM shift at my lab to check the recycling/trash for me and see if it's in there. They empty it way before I go home from work, and I'm not sure if they empty it in the morning.

Yeah, it's sort of lame to ask one of my coworkers to look through the trash for me, but all that's in there (the only person in the room by the time they emptied the bin) is a paper cup and I think a partially eaten muffin.

Here's hoping that works.