Everything is Wrong & I Hate it Here

I going crazy.

Lately my back has been fucking killing me. I've kept it marginally under control with high strength painkillers and muscle relaxants, but you can't use that as a permanent solution.

Work has been work. The pain has made it really hard for me, and I've had to deal with some other stuff, too... I can't help it but I feel like I'm the only person who ever even gives a rats ass.

Last week there was a horriffic rainstorm and I found out that rainwater pours into my house through one of the vents in the ceiling. We are talking literally gallons. Called the landlord but of course after saying someone would come out and look at it, I haven't heard a peep.

It is pouring rain again today and I'm stuck on the goddamn bus, already late for work. We are stopped because of a huge puddle in the road. All I can think about is whether my ceiling is leaking. I put a big rubbermaid bin under where it leaks, so I hope that's good enough when it starts.

This is all such bullshit.

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As you all may know, online games are played on a seris of tubes servers. Your character data, and all your friends data, are stored on one server, with one copy of the world framework, etc.

that's why you can't go to a game like WoW or LotRO and say "hmm, I think I'll sign in on "Gladden Server" today!" and access your main character, whom you created whilst logged in to "Vilya Server."

Recently I transfered one of my characters in LotRO to a new server. I've been playing very much lately and I wanted a higher server population to play with. I almost didn't because I would (and do every time I think about it) miss all my friends who make it so much more awesome, when they're actually on to play with.

My communication of this fact to Carmen and Erick was... well, I'd relied on Kurt's word that he'd talked about it. And that it would be fine.

The last thing in the entire world I ever want is two people I consider to be ***FAMILY*** to be angry with me over something like this. I'm forgetful, careless, thoughtless, I never give any sort of thought to the consequences of my actions and here we are.

It makesm e cry (hard enough to fucking hurt my back, ugh)to think that I've wrecked something with two of my very closest friends...

Carmen.... Erick... I'm so... so sorry. I never was able to handle social things like that very well, and when Kurt said he'd already talked about it with you guys I wasa relieved because I wouldn't have the opportunity to get tongue-tied and fuck it all up.'

Fuck it all up.

You know, like I've fucked it all up by believing that Kurt actually did anything besides make a casual mention in passing.

If I could turn time back I would so that I could make everything right again. And do it right the first time, for fuck's sake. My reasons are simple and non-offensive eough! I play very often, now, and at times of te day that the already mostly-empty server is ... well... empty. So I found a new server , one that does role playing AND runs raids for Kurt (he likes it, I'm learning), since even our guildies had wandered off from LotRO. We left our Alts so when the grou gets back together we're not gone.

But.... guck.Just fuck.

I could have done this .

I could have made this okay, or tried.

I have to go lay down. The more I cry the more that goddamned pain in y back spikes my spine as if it had a hot poeker. ugh.

I'm so sorry Carmen.

I'm sosrrry.

:(

Fuck my coworkers. It's like nobody cares to actually come to work sometimes! It's stressful and frustrating never knowing who is or isn't going to be at work.

Add to that I (and my coworkers to be fair) keep getting chewed out for a million conflicting bullshit reasons.

I'm going crazy right now. I've not been sleeping well, work has been abnormally stressful for really stupid reasons, and I have been having a little bit of financial stress, too.

And it's been rough adjusting after Burning Man, that's for sure. Burning Man was fucking awesome, by the way.

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Arrerrrrrrrrggghhhhh

I've never had so much fail at wireless networking... I just want to play video games but Kurt is troubleshooting it and I can't use the Internet...

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I had a good time today. Went to Michelle's family's BBQ and spent a long time in the pool with her and Kurt. Good food, Michelle's family is nice enough.

Down side - I got a wicked sunburn. Ow. Seriously. I've avoided sunburns for soooo long and then today I didn't keep enough thought on sunscreen.

I'm pretty in pain right now. Hot. I hate that hot feeling.

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I'm officially hella tired of not having Internet at home. We need to get that wireless network set up!

As it is I've only had access on my iPhone (and at work) for the last 2 weeks... The wireless network I was stealing access from went away.

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I'm not eating enough.

Today I've had an iced coffee, steamed soy milk, a croissant and some juice.

Yesterday it was two cups of coffee, 1/4 of a muffin, a small bowl of chicken broth and a glass of wine. And I walked about two miles yesterday and danced for two hours.

I'm not hungry, which is the distressing part.

This is where almost everyone I know helpfully chimes in to say they wish they could eat like that because they're sooooo faaat. Ugh.

Also what's up with eating only liquids? This is bogus!

I'm going to eat some soup (more liquids!) when I get home I think... But I'm just not hungry.

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Argh... Dyeing my hair again.

I'm so impatient. Leaving the dye in takes FOREVER.

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I haven't really written much lately.

It's not because nothing is going on... Or even because I'm too busy. I've just sort of been in an extremely neutral state of mind, overall. I haven't been sleeping all that well, which may be part of it.

There was so much drama surrounding my computer. I was trying to get it partitioned for windows so I could play LotRO again. After a month and a half, three panicked trips to the Apple store, and erasing everything on the hard drive (on purpose) and then not being able to reinstall OS X, I gave up. Kurt's father-in-law saved the day, returning my computer to me all set up.

And then, more frustration when it took 19 HOURS to download and install LotRO... But it was totally worth it, because Kurt and I played together last night and it was AWESOME.

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My OS X reinstall plan failed at the point where I install OS X. So I've got a computer with a clean hard drive and no operating system and it will not allow me to install one.

Mother fucking Christ I do not need this bullshit right now. Going to the Apple store after work. God fucking dammit!

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My brain is latching onto things, memories, and building them up into bigger problems and making me feel guilty and stressed. This happens at night. I wish I could turn my brain off, damn it. Laying in bed with nothing to distract me always leads to shit like this...

Hopefully I'll sleep better tonight...

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I've been having trouble sleeping again... Even when I'm really tired.

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Looks like the new schedule is out... Three days a week, not unworkable. I can still afford to live, comfortably.

All three are swing shifts, starting at 11am - but that isn't bad. I'm living way closer to work and I don't have to work til 2am before any of those shifts :)

Feeling okay, time to chow down these pancakes.

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Drinking cheap wine and eating ramen in the middle of the night.

Somehow...

When I was younger this seemed demoralizing somehow. As if I was failing at adulthood.

Now, it feels like some sort of life-affirming experience. I'm trying to live for myself now.

Three years ago today I broke up with my ex boyfriend Ian. The one who just visited me.

You know, I've just never been able to get over it. I never really wanted to be with anybody more and I never have since. I think maybe we're both still sort of damaged... we've both been single ever since. I just don't have any motivation to NOT be single.

It feels like a LIFETIME ago. I wish it wasn't. I wish things had turned out the way we both wanted them to.

We just fucked everything up so much.

Poor communication, stupid behavior on both sides, general mid-twenties immaturity.

Things would have been so different if we were who we are now, which is no excuse and doesn't change anything.

I still feel lonely and empty and I'd do anything if I could change things, or fix things, or try again.

We were so happy.

I guess I'm still in love with him.

Oh god, I was having a horrible nightmare and woke up screaming and thrashing.

I hope I didn't wake Kurt and Michelle or any other neighbors... Good God. I'm not sure how loud I was screaming.

Now I can bitch on livejournal via iPhone.

Listening to Melotron and drinking coffee in the park. Life is looking up, actually.

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Yeah.

I spent all day helping Kurt and Michelle move - mostly, I watched the beebe while they packed.

But the movers came, took all their stuff to the new house, and they're pretty much done...

I got two of my big bags of stuff to my place and just have a few things left.

It's happening! In less than 24 hours I will be on my own in my new place... exciting!

JUST LET ME SLEEP OMG

Roommate has someone coming to look at the room at 11:00...

Woke me up out of a dead sleep.

FUCK GO AWAY